It's strange to think you can live your entire life thinking what you're experiencing is normal. The emotions you feel, the thoughts that overwhelm you, and those moments of outmost defeat are things you believed everyone went through. Those days when you'd sit in the shower and let your head fall over the water. Listening to the welcoming absence of sound as the burning water poured over you, that was normal. Those days when you'd lay down on the floor in the bathroom in a ball, literally pulling your hair out from your head due to frustration and confusion. That was normal. Those days when you'd look at yourself in the mirror with disgust and question your very existence. That too, was normal.
No one ever told me the fear of going home wasn't normal. Or that sitting down for hours just starring into an empty abyss wasn't what teenagers do. My obsession for losing myself in books and dreams. That too was not normal. My need and desire for human affection which led me to becoming a person I did not understand, was also not normal. No one understood. And amongst those "no ones", stood the only person that could change anything. Me.
I never noticed when I started to let myself get lost. It was something that came naturally. The issues that surrounded me were my life. Nothing else in the world was really there. It was as if I was pulled away from reality every single day. The days when life seemed easy was like trying to fall asleep and believing there was a monster under your bed, suffocating. Those days, were the droplets of water in the never-ending pot of anxiety which had become my life.
It's also strange to realizing that a simple diagnosis would make your whole dreadful life seem so simple. Your whole life could be put into a simple sentence. "You have Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome". All of your fears, all of your doubts, and all of your insecurities could be explained within 30 minutes in a room with 4 empty white walls. You don't realize how pathetic you really are until you're told that your life was hard only because you made yourself believe it was hard. And although that's not how I see it, it makes me feel as though my life has been a lie. Forever I've lived a lie.
This is the story of a woman who's been emotionally and physically abused her whole life. A woman who's lived with mental disorders she never knew of. The life of a woman who can finally say "I think I'm starting to get a hang of it" and be happy that she controlled her first anxiety attack although her life is still falling apart.
Follow me on my mission to find myself through memories, experiences, and hardships.
My life is my life. You cannot judge unless you've lived in my shoes as I would never judge you.
